and so it sets in

the yearly depression over the state of my life, such as it is. It's a little early this year, doesn't usually hit until the Ides of March. [read:birthday]

I'm actually in exactly the same place I was 1 year ago today. At my older son's house, spending time with my boys. Yet I felt little then of the loneliness that I'm experiencing right here, right now.

A year ago I was close to being okay with the lot life had thrown me, so what changed? What's different about this year? Why am I so sad? Why so lonely?

I don't even participate in Christmas anymore, if someone buys me a present, good for them. I don't feel a need to reciprocate just to stay in good standing with them. I no longer make cards to send out, reminding people of my existence. I don't even have an address book, or want one. It's like I'm slowly pushing everyone away, dropping out of sight, hopefully out of mind.

I know I'm not happy with me. I have a lot of me that I don't even know anymore. Yes, I've been rediscovering bits and pieces, but it only seems to tell me 'You're not where, what or who you should be'.

So,
where is my home
what do I do to get there
who am I?

Perhaps this is all because yesterday was the 71st anniversary of my father's birth. It had always been like a pre-Christmas celebration for us until he kicked it a few years back. Now it's just a reminder that he's not here to consult with when life gets us down. I say 'us' meaning the family, but I really mean 'me'.

I don't know,
I don't know.

I'm just lonely.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to 'belong' to anyone. It'd just be nice knowing that there was someone to call at 3 am to say "Hey, what happened today?"

Yes, I miss my oldest friend too. It was about a month ago that he left this wicked world.

I push people away because, loving them, I'll lose them. Being indifferent seems to make them last forever.